


Behind the scenes: Hogwarts House Elf Orientation

by SonOfAMuggle



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Podcast: Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:28:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25172371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonOfAMuggle/pseuds/SonOfAMuggle
Summary: Dedicated to my Fanatical Fics family. Your nonsense fuels my nonsense.
Kudos: 4





	Behind the scenes: Hogwarts House Elf Orientation

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to my Fanatical Fics family. Your nonsense fuels my nonsense.

"And that concludes the tour of the ground any questions." said Wibbly Head of house elf operations. He had a clipboard and a no nonsense tone.

"Why are there so many broom closet?" Glibby asked

"So that the students have some privacy."

" What happens if we catch student snogging?"

" Tell Lavender Brown she's the Hat Editor of the Hearsay and will pay well for good gossip." Recommend Wibbly

"Isn't that a bit unethical?" Asked Winky

" We live off bribes." Wibbly stated as matter of fact. "And if the Weasley twins ask you for help tell them we're not taking anything under five gallons. We know they have financial backing now." An elf interrupted "Sir, Dumbbell's wants to spike the opening feast with LSD."

" No! I told him no hallucinogens! There's first years for Merlin's sake!"

"He said it's just for the upper classes. I tried to tell him no but he just twinkled at me"

" Fine, I'll talk to him myself." These are you uniforms. Wibbly presented them with tea towels embroidered with the Hogwarts crest.

"But sir Winky and I are free elfs we like to wear clothes sir." Explained Dobby bouncing on his heals. At this the other elfs in the orientation group shifted away uncomfortably.

Wibbly peered down his nose at their clothing. Dobby was wearing a tee-shirt with graph letters 'Cut to the Core' on the front. Winky was wearing an oversized band shirt cinched with a belt at the waist to form a dress. It read 'Ambivalent Peal'.

They castle shuttered and moaned

"What was that ?"

"Honey mooners" he said looking tired.

"Any more questions?"

"Dobby is good friends with Harry Potter can Dobby go visit him in the dorms?" He Inquired

"Look we don't have space for your inter-species drabble. Do it on your own time."

"Now, A few safety matter before you get assigned your department. One: do not use the Come-n'-Go room after 11, It turns into a roulette bdms dungeon. Two do not clean the owlry four elfs have already been eaten. And three: do not use your Manipulator and Time Turner at the same time

"Sir," another elf interrupted "what's the special for this week?"

" Calamari, Crowley, it July it's always calamari in July!" Wibbly replied impatiently

"These are your standards issue time Turner and universal manipulator." Wibbly said passing out what appeared to be chains with two pendants.

"You mean the hour glass and the quill?" Asked Tally

"As I explained early the founders built Hogwarts on a multi-universe fractal faultline creating a bottom less well of magic, along with a never ending stream of chaos. If you get lost write key words into the ethos to find your primary universe."

"Key works like Dobby loves Harry Potter?" Asked Dobby

"No, no you'll just get sucked down a niffler hole of au's and it won't be pretty. You need to be specific."

"Au's?" Asked Glibby

"Alternative Universes, try to keep up. We have a lot to cover." He pushed open a elf sized door into an expansion room filled with busy workers.

Aplright Tally you'll be doing prop and outfit inventory thru there. Godric and Salazar be damned."

Tally entered to door indicated. The remaining group scurried along after Wibbly who, was yelling out instructors as they moved thru the complex. "Emilie put the camera down and give that kitten back to mcgonagall. . . . We don't have time to read more books there's work to do. . . For Veela's sake tell Dumbledore no! . . .Where's Abbey? Fine, tell her to obit the points moon and get back down here with the rest of us! . . . Glibby your working with Banjo, stage director of the breakfast show."

"Vampisandi the new couture uniforms are coming along nicely. Trimmy will be assisting you."

" Those aren't very elfy sounding names?" Commented Original Character

"Well we can't all be named Rose"

"But sir?"

" We don't have time! Students we be arriving from summer camp any day and their will be five flash musicals after everyone comes back hotter then last year!" They hurried down a long hallway that led to the kitchens only Winky and Dobby remained.

"What's that?" Winky

"These are our founders, our muses." Wibbly gestured proudly to the portrait on the wall of two women uncontrollably laughing and crying. "Kim and Sequoia. Unfortunately, they were admitted to St mugos for incurable senseless babbling."

They moved along passing by a elf looking confused and holding a Prefects badge. Wibbly open the kitchen door and led them inside.

"Dobby and Winky you'll be on kitchen duty."

"Sir, you still haven't told us what universe we're in?" Asked Winky

"Merlin's pants haven't you been paying attention It's tagged at the top!"

Dobby looked up to where Wibbly was pointing. A sign read:

Fanatical Fics AU, Everyone Lives(except Cedric), Squid/Castle, Dobby/Harry

Dobby's ears wobbled in delight. "Thank Merlin it's not book canon." He grinned. It was a dream come true.

"Winky has got a bad feeling about this." Sighed Winky

"No cross-overs!"

**Author's Note:**

> If you didn't get a shout out, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to exclude anyone I just ran out of ideas.


End file.
